If I Had a Penis

If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper

I'd stay in the tub and use me as a stopper

If I had a penis I’d stick it to bitches

I’d use it to turn on and off the light switches

I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay

I'd stuff it in turkeys on thanksgiving day

If I had a penis, oh what a sight!

I’d tie ribbons round it and kiss it good-night

I'd peek around corners

I'd aim at my toilet

I'd poke it at foreigners

And soap it and oil it

I’d draw faces on it, my hands would indulge

Pants would seem tighter because of my bulge

A penis to plunder, a penis to push

Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush

A penis to love me, a penis to share...

To pick up and play with when nobody's there

I'd sit like a guy, I'd straddle the chair

I'd play with my fly, albeit with care
I'd dip it in chocolate, I'd stick it in sockets

I’d buy all my pants with big roomy pockets

If I had a penis, I'd climb every mountain

I'd give it a name, I'd pee like a fountain...

If I had a penis I'd still be a girl,

But I'd make much more money and conquer the world.

(adapted from "Penis Envy" by Uncle Bonsai)