I’ve been reading a lot of women’s books lately. What else is new, right? Not all of them have a feminist theme, though any book by and about women will resonate with feminist ideology, except perhaps a conservative manual written by a moral, Godly woman on how to be a good Christian wife. I don’t read those.
Lately I’ve been reading essays and journals by and about women in America. I had no idea how little I understood my own gender and our frustrated role in these changing times. We are at a crossroads, you see, for family values crusaders are preaching the gospel of the traditional nuclear family with domestic wife/mother and primary breadwinner father (the majority of families being dual-income these days, Mr. Man’s career should still be more important) and 2.3 children in the suburbs, with a Golden Retriever. This is what America needs to get “back” to if we want to solve the distressing problems we are faced with. We must work to duplicate the family dynamics of days gone by if we are to be saved.
I put “back” in quotation marks because conservatives (and most everybody) believe that in the 1950’s, the family described above was the norm. You’ve seen the old TV shows, you know the stereotype. Good wholesome families. According to Stephanie Coontz in her book The Way We Never Were, it is a myth. She also explains how good old-fashioned traditional non-divorced families will not solve America’s problems and she gives lots of excellent evidence to back up her claim.
At any rate, we are not going back, it’s not even remotely realistic to think that America might go back to a system where divorces are shameful, adversarial and hard to get, mothers quit their jobs and stay home while their children are young and gay people will stop trying to live normal happy family lives like the rest of us. Our new family structure is here to stay, and the problems women face today are caused by the state of flux that we’re in. We’re sitting here astraddle the new millennium, with one foot in the past and one shaky foot in the future, trying to meet demands and our own desires from both sides.
We want career. We think we want marriage and family. Or perhaps, it’s the other way around, depending on which day we’re asked.
The essays I’ve been reading, by women my age, all bear one striking similarity that surprised me. All these women mentioned the ideas held during childhood and adolescence about marriage and how those ideas changed when they ran smack into adulthood. It won’t surprise you, probably, that girls think about it. Obsess about it.
Perhaps it surprised me because I did not. I didn’t play with dolls. I didn’t play “House” unless I was forced to by a playmate who was “prissier” than I. I don’t remember ever thinking about weddings or whom I’d marry. I just didn’t. I was thinking about horses a lot. And reading a lot of books. At puberty, I was into teen magazines and boys, but I don’t recall thinking I’d marry one. I gave little thought to career either, for that matter. In high school I was into modeling and partying.
In my senior year I had my first serious boyfriend and the most important thing on my mind was getting out of Mama’s house and out on my own. The quickest route to that goal was to move in with my boyfriend. And my friends began to get engaged and plan their weddings. I admired their rings and their bridesmaid dresses and still gave little thought to a wedding of my own.
And then my boyfriend’s parents found out we were living together and they were mortified. Set a date, they said, or they’d stop paying the bills and his college tuition. And honestly, it seems that was the first time I contemplated the idea of getting married.
I must have been somewhat keen on the idea. I mean, after all, I did it. Beautiful wedding, and I got to be the star. But never did I feel the trembling excitement I sense in other women when they think about nuptials. Of course, had I then the wisdom I possess now, not a chance I would have married, at least not then. If nothing else, I wish I’d realized at the time we were setting a dangerous precedent in allowing his parents to use money to manipulate private matters that were none of their business.
When I edit children’s books, especially those for girls, I’m hypersensitive to the way “happily ever after” is presented. I think (hope) we’re past an age when marrying the Prince represents the best ever outcome every girl should dream of. I like it when the girl runs off with some pirates or joins a circus instead. I like it when she says, “Stand back, I got it,” instead of being rescued.
I came across an interesting statistic today: the largest population suffering from depression are unmarried men, with married women a close second. Isn’t that funny? Being single depresses men while being married has the same effect on women. Can’t say I’m surprised.
According to Bastard on the Couch (which, contrary to the first paragraph above, is a collection of essays by and about men), it’s now men more than women who feel a sense of panic when they have not married and produced children by the time they’re middle-aged. In my experience, I find this to be true. For one thing, fewer women have waited that long. Most middle aged women have already been there, done that. But those who have not married by the time they’re 40, I think they’re less freaked out by it than women were 20 years ago in the same situation. They may express a twinge of regret, but they’re proud of their careers and their independence. They like their lives.
Meanwhile, the middle-aged, never-married men I’ve met do seem rather…shocked to find themselves still single and childless at that age. Shocked and not really sure what to do about it. I mean, what can you do to change a lifetime habit of avoiding the kind of meaningful, intense relationship that leads to marriage?
Sometimes men are thought to avoid marriage because they want the rockstar lifestyle they think they could have "someday" if they get buff enough or successful enough--dating multiple beautiful nymphomaniacs, having threesomes, being sexually adored and worshipped by a whole herd of gorgeous ladies in sexy lingerie. And then, it's also thought that they can't stand the idea of being tied down, restricted, noosed, put on a leash, confined to one piece of ass for the rest of their lives. Not to mention that they value their freedom and independence, reluctant to trade the luxury of coming and going as they please, leaving a half-empty cereal bowl on the coffee table until it has long since turned gross, and playing video games or watching sports for 48 straight hours, for the dubious pleasure of considering someone else's needs, checking in and asking permission to go out, and hearing someone bitch-bitch-bitch at them almost daily.
Rod and I talked about this at length last night, he being one of those middle-aged never-married-no-kids who seems a little confused as to why he never got himself a ball and chain. I think an unmarried man in his late 20's or early-mid 30's is likely to have the reservations described above about marriage, but as he matures his views on marriage change. He begins to realize he's not going to get the rockstar lifestyle, or even if he does get a taste of it, he discovers it's fun for a while but not fulfilling, and he sees his married friends or siblings and perhaps envies them the companionship they enjoy. Maybe he realizes that cleaning up after himself or limiting his mindless recreational activities to just a few reasonable hours on the weekend is really a good idea after all and it might be nice to have someone around to remind him. Maybe checking in with someone or asking permission to go out is not so terrible if the reason is because they love you, care about where you are and when you'll be home, and miss you when you're gone. I think somewhere about the age of 33 a man starts to think the benefits of marriage might make it worth the restriction.
So then what happens? Well some men then get married, of course. But what about the ones who've changed their minds about marriage and gradually decided yeah, they'd like to do that but then they go ahead and stay single for another decade and a half? Why them? That's a little more difficult for me to understand, and Rod could only say that he kept waiting for the "right one" and she never seemed to come along.
Come on, in fifteen years, surely he's met at least one woman who could be the right one. My god, how perfect does a woman have to be to qualify for the coveted (thankless) role as his wife? I think in this case, a man sometimes gets caught in a cycle of meeting her, loving her, considering her, maybe coming close to choosing her, but then getting freaked out by the thought of being "stuck" with her three years from now when the more perfect one comes along.
I dunno. When you choose a life partner at the age of 20, sure, you're probably not choosing someone you'll enjoy being stuck with. But by the time you're 40, you're not likely to choose someone you'll regret sharing your life with. You just have to grab your balls and jump, man. Don't be scared.
