Every man plays this game. Before marriage, he practices alone, so he'll be in Olympic shape for when he's married. For the benefit of the wives out there who must be the opponent (victim) in this game, let me at least clear up the rules and methods of play.
The Object of the Game
The purpose of the game, or the general goal, is to drive the wife out of the room twitching and drooling with frustration. When that happens, he has won and he will set the remote control aside, quite pleased with himself, and contentedly watch whatever is on tv at that moment. If the wife re-enters the room, that signals the start of a new game and his hand will snatch the remote control and start clicking.
The object of the game is to travel the circle of television channels, using the remote control, hitting every channel once and staying on each channel for the barest minimum amount of time.
Scoring Points
Points are scored as follows:
No points for any channel that is landed on for more than three seconds.
Commercials must be clicked away immediately when they are recognized as commercials. In fact, when watching television, a commercial is the universal sign that the game should begin. When he has mastered the game, he should be able to recognize a commercial in a tiny fraction of a second.
Score no points for any completed sentence, phrase or thought that is uttered in the time that a channel is landed on. On the contrary, the only way to gain points in this game is to click away at the very most critical point of such an utterance.
For instance, for the following: "...look at that shot! He nearly took his head off!" Zero points for letting the announcer finish that phrase. Five points for cutting away at "...look at that shot! He nearly took--" Bonus points for being fast enough on the draw to click away at "...look at that--" causing her head to spin around to see what is being looked at just in time to witness his masterful display of clicking ability.
Bonus points for clicking away at crucial points such as "The most important thing President Bush said tonight was--" Or "...wasn’t that hilarious? Let’s see it again--" Or "...just couldn’t believe it when she said--"
One hundred points for finding any sporting event other than football and leaving it on that channel for three solid hours. This is an excellent way to win the game as she probably can’t take more than ten minutes or so of baseball or hockey before leaving the room to find some wet paint and watch it dry.
One hundred points for finding any female nudity and leaving it on that channel until the nudity goes away.
Ten points for finding any male nudity and leaving it on that channel until she has had a brief glimpse, and then quickly click away.
Bonus points can be made for taking the extra care and effort to find out what shows and entertainers are her favorites and clicking away from them automatically whenever he sees them.
Wives, there is no point in fighting back in this game. You will not be allowed to touch the remote control as long as he is in the room. Your only defense is to pretend that it doesn’t bother you and just sit there with a catatonic smile on your face staring at the television images as they flicker by.
Remember, if you crack up...he wins.
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