She Probably Lives in Tahiti

You know how you leave a guy's name and number in your cell phone long after you know he's not going to call you anymore because if he does call you want to recognize it's him, and then after a really long time you finally get it, he truly, sincerely is not going to call you anymore so you delete his name and phone number from your phone because it gives you a little bit of a pinch to the heart every time you happen to see it in there when you're looking for something else? You heave a great big ol' sigh and mentally say farewell to him forever and take one last chance to moan and groan over the idea that you won't ever see him again. Then you delete the number and let it go.

And two weeks later an unrecognized number pops up on the screen as your phone rings, and you answer it wondering who it is, only to have your heart turn inside out at the sudden, unexpected sound of his voice.

That's a good metaphor for what's happening to me right now. For years I cherished a deep and hopeful dream in my heart that I might find a way to leave Texas with my son to live in some other very un-Texaslike place far away. Even when it seemed unlikely, I held on to the hope that it might. I definitely wanted to be ready if the opportunity presented itself, so I had no thoughts of buying a home or doing anything that would be difficult for us to walk away from (like a marriage or starting my own business).

Whenever my lease came up to renew, there's that pinch of pain in my heart as I think how much I wish I could be packing up a Uhaul instead of renewing the lease. Whenever job recruiters called me to mention job opportunities in other states, it pinched me even if the job was one I wouldn't take or located in a place I wouldn't live anyway. Just the reminder that the world is full of people who are free to live their lives wherever they want to live or move anywhere they like whenever they feel like it, but I'm not one of those people. Ow, the pinch!

Okay, so I finally decided to take that number out of the cell phone of my heart and bid farewell to the hope that it might happen for me. I indulged in a few days of moaning and groaning over it, then I contacted a real estate agent and started the process of buying a house. Got us a good one, and then went to work decorating it and filling it with furniture. Really big house, lots and lots of furniture and decorations. And I bought a second car. What a nightmare it would be to move--not just out of state but to move anywhere at all would be an incredible hassle---but I didn't think of it because I no longer had any other idea for us than that we'd stay put right here for the forseeable future. Last year I decided to fulfill a lifelong dream of opening a bookstore, and I set about making that a reality. The only thing I could have done to make our status as Texans more permanent was to get married, and that's not likely to happen in any state at any time.

So here I sit, with my roots thrust down into the dry Texas soil, and I am most definitely more rooted than I've ever been in my life, when suddenly the phone rings and I glance at the screen to see an idea I didn't recognize cuz it had been a year since the last time it pinched my heart. Like a whirlwind, my dream whipped back into my mind and turned all the serenity into chaos.

Good-bye, Texas. The decision wasn't really difficult to make at all, even though I will have an absolute booger of a time pulling up these roots and I will miss my house and all the stuff I put in it. There aren't many people in Texas I'll miss, at least not many I'd have been likely to see again anyway.

Guess where I'm going....here's a hint.

With all the knots I have to untie here, it'll be a while before I'm gone, but by the end of this year, darlings, you gonna have to go the whole wide world just to find Tess, and she ain't coming back.

Why Women are Better than Men

Before reading this essay and Penty’s opposing argument, imagine that you are a soul completely without gender. You are preparing to enter life here on our big blue marble and you will use this debate to determine which gender to be born with. Now, you might not make your choice based on which is the better gender. You’ll be convinced that women are better, of course, but there’s no denying the challenges you’d face as a woman so you can’t be faulted for choosing the easier gender in spite of its inferiority. However, when you record your vote at the Collective Bias community, your vote should reflect who won the debate (which gender is better), not necessarily which gender you are or would choose to be.

Disclaimer: I am not a man-hater.

1) Violence is almost exclusively a male pasttime. Women grasp the futility of war, hate crimes and physical displays of anger and power. Your chances of being beaten, shot or mugged by a woman are extremely low. Your chances of being raped by a woman are zero.

2) Weird sexual fetishes are also almost exclusive to the male gender. Take a look at what women have had to do throughout history (see Chinese footbinding and Corsets links below) and continue to do today (see Britney boob job link below) to satisfy man’s bizarre sense of erotic attraction. Women have never insisted that men mutilate, starve or deform themselves to be attractive.

Next time you’re in the adult video store, take notice of the gender of the patrons browsing the Fetish section. It’s not likely you’ll see a woman there shopping for the latest Golden Showers or Fisting video. If there’s a web site out there devoted to giant turds and "interesting things I pulled out of my ass," you can bet, it’s a man’s website.

3) Men think farting and The Three Stooges are funny. This is a maturity issue. There’s no denying, most men never grow up. Now some might mistake this for a benefit rather than a detriment, but that too is a maturity issue. Only the immature think it’s cool to be immature. Women know there is a time to be a child and a time to grow up.

4) One reason people give for having children is to achieve immortality--to pass their soul along to another human being to be carried forward into the future for eternity. If a child is thought to hold the immortal soul of its parents, it is the woman who holds and carries her soul within her body, nourishing it, energizing it and releasing it. The soul of Man is always outside of himself.

5) The most compelling argument for the superiority of women lies in the instiution of patriarchy itself. If the gender competition is likened to a horse race, it is clear that Man has gone to great lengths to cripple the female horse from the start. Now why would you put such effort toward disabling your opponent unless you feared she was better than you and might actually win? Imagine the fearful position Man must find himself in now as he gallups along, only to glance behind and see that female horse, with only three good legs to run on still gaining on him and closing the distance fast? There can be no doubt, without the crippling effects of patriarchy, Woman would have overtaken Man long ago and won this silly little race by a long shot.

And the irony is, if not for Man’s competetive nature, there would have been no need for a race to begin with! It was never Woman’s aim to "beat" Man or to dominate him. It was Man who set up the race, defined the rules and the goals and then created limitations on Woman’s ability to reach the finish line. Men decided this kind of career is necessary to win and this way of life is successful and this is how you must look to be victorious--and then they high-fived themselves because they’d stacked the deck and made it so that women could achieve none of those things.

And then we did. We really are amazing, aren’t we? We took their challenge, hobbled up to the starting line on our deformed feet, with our silicone implants and our hairless bodies, our 4-inch heels and 20-inch waists, with more responsibilities and less pay, we showed them we could achieve their goals and win their game.

Imagine the race we could run with the bindings removed! With our self-esteem intact, our bodies healthy and unaltered, our talents and achievements respected and fairly compensated!

Or imagine if we changed the race entirely and set our own goals and standards for success. We could train Man to be more like us, reverse thousands of years of patriarchal dogma and entitlement, teach him to curb his aggressive instincts or channel his aggression in positive ways.

Or we could leave Man to his violence and destruction, to amuse himself with fart jokes and The Simpsons while we create peace, save the planet and make the world a better place for our immortal souls, our children, to live forever.

Before reading this essay and Penty’s opposing argument, imagine that you are a soul completely without gender. You are preparing to enter life here on our big blue marble and you will use this debate to determine which gender to be born with. Now, you might not make your choice based on which is the better gender. You’ll be convinced that women are better, of course, but there’s no denying the challenges you’d face as a woman so you can’t be faulted for choosing the easier gender in spite of its inferiority. However, when you record your vote at the Collective Bias community, your vote should reflect who won the debate (which gender is better), not necessarily which gender you are or would choose to be.

Disclaimer: I am not a man-hater.

1) Violence is almost exclusively a male pasttime. Women grasp the futility of war, hate crimes and physical displays of anger and power. Your chances of being beaten, shot or mugged by a woman are extremely low. Your chances of being raped by a woman are zero.

2) Weird sexual fetishes are also almost exclusive to the male gender. Take a look at what women have had to do throughout history (see Chinese footbinding and Corsets links below) and continue to do today (see Britney boob job link below) to satisfy man’s bizarre sense of erotic attraction. Women have never insisted that men mutilate, starve or deform themselves to be attractive.

Next time you’re in the adult video store, take notice of the gender of the patrons browsing the Fetish section. It’s not likely you’ll see a woman there shopping for the latest Golden Showers or Fisting video. If there’s a web site out there devoted to giant turds and "interesting things I pulled out of my ass," you can bet, it’s a man’s website.

3) Men think farting and The Three Stooges are funny. This is a maturity issue. There’s no denying, most men never grow up. Now some might mistake this for a benefit rather than a detriment, but that too is a maturity issue. Only the immature think it’s cool to be immature. Women know there is a time to be a child and a time to grow up.

4) One reason people give for having children is to achieve immortality--to pass their soul along to another human being to be carried forward into the future for eternity. If a child is thought to hold the immortal soul of its parents, it is the woman who holds and carries her soul within her body, nourishing it, energizing it and releasing it. The soul of Man is always outside of himself.

5) The most compelling argument for the superiority of women lies in the instiution of patriarchy itself. If the gender competition is likened to a horse race, it is clear that Man has gone to great lengths to cripple the female horse from the start. Now why would you put such effort toward disabling your opponent unless you feared she was better than you and might actually win? Imagine the fearful position Man must find himself in now as he gallups along, only to glance behind and see that female horse, with only three good legs to run on still gaining on him and closing the distance fast? There can be no doubt, without the crippling effects of patriarchy, Woman would have overtaken Man long ago and won this silly little race by a long shot.

And the irony is, if not for Man’s competetive nature, there would have been no need for a race to begin with! It was never Woman’s aim to "beat" Man or to dominate him. It was Man who set up the race, defined the rules and the goals and then created limitations on Woman’s ability to reach the finish line. Men decided this kind of career is necessary to win and this way of life is successful and this is how you must look to be victorious--and then they high-fived themselves because they’d stacked the deck and made it so that women could achieve none of those things.

And then we did. We really are amazing, aren’t we? We took their challenge, hobbled up to the starting line on our deformed feet, with our silicone implants and our hairless bodies, our 4-inch heels and 20-inch waists, with more responsibilities and less pay, we showed them we could achieve their goals and win their game.

Imagine the race we could run with the bindings removed! With our self-esteem intact, our bodies healthy and unaltered, our talents and achievements respected and fairly compensated!

Or imagine if we changed the race entirely and set our own goals and standards for success. We could train Man to be more like us, reverse thousands of years of patriarchal dogma and entitlement, teach him to curb his aggressive instincts or channel his aggression in positive ways.

Or we could leave Man to his violence and destruction, to amuse himself with fart jokes and The Simpsons while we create peace, save the planet and make the world a better place for our immortal souls, our children, to live forever.

With all of that potential just waiting to burst forth, who wouldn’t want to be a woman??

With all of that potential just waiting to burst forth, who wouldn’t want to be a woman??

Someone You Love Was Raped

One in every four women is raped.

(This statistic comes from two sources: Cunt by Inga Muscio and The Second Rape by someone whose name I forgot. I also checked this statistic out at the national statistics website, which I also can't remember now. Sorry.)

This means that if you love more than four women (mother, sisters, aunts, friends, wife, daughters, etc) then at least one of them has been or will be raped. In fact, I'm betting the number is actually higher than the statistics reflect because so many rapes go unreported.

Can you imagine what would happen if one in every four straight white men were ass-raped by gay men? How long would it be before every gay man in the country was rounded up and lynched? I'm thinkin' New York Minute.

But nobody seems particularly outraged by rape of women in our society. I have a theory about why. Actually the theory came from The Second Rape but it makes a lot of sense to me.

The problem is that neither men nor women want to believe it is happening. Everyone desperately wants to imagine that something else actually happened. They imagine that women who cry rape are either lying or confused about what really happened.

Why men do it

When humans learned to use metal to craft tools and weapons, men figured out that they could quite easily go over to villages near and far, defeat the other people there, take all their stuff and rule their land. In order to do this most effectively, men developed a team spirit. "Them" vs. "Us" Men on the same team learned to stick up for one another, watch out for one another, defend each other.

This brotherhood-of-man tendency is still alive today. Every man thinks of rapists as "them" and not "us." A rapist is a big black ex-convict who breaks into a defenseless white woman's house and has his way with her. Or he's a freaky bearded lunatic hiding in the bushes waiting to abduct some unsespecting girl on her way home.

So when a normal, clean cut white man is accused of the crime, men instinctively resist the idea. Oh no, not one of us, it can't be. She must have lied. So the teammate gets the benefit of the doubt and it is the woman who must be scrutinized and judged.

I think men are afraid to admit that men like themselves can commit rape because it suggests that any man could.

Why Women do it

With the advent of patriarchy, women did not develop a similar team spirit. The quality of a woman's life depended on how pleasing she could be to the male gender and a spirit of competition emerged among women. They benefitted more from betraying than from supporting one another. They became catty and critical of each other.

They knew where their bread was buttered and there was more to be gained by believing a lie told by a man than in believing the truth told by a woman.

Not to mention, women are afraid to admit that women like themselves can become victims of rape because it suggests that any woman could.

How do we change this? How about giving every woman who alleges that she was raped the same benefit of the doubt you would give to your own mother or daughter if she alleged the same thing? How about teaching our sons that sex is not their birthright as a male and that no woman is obligated to give him an orgasm just because he got hard while in her presence? How about teaching our daughters more about the importance of feminine bonding and setting firm boundaries and self-respect and less about being cute, sexy, flirtatious and how to please a man?

The Emperor of the Remote Control

Every man plays this game. Before marriage, he practices alone, so he'll be in Olympic shape for when he's married. For the benefit of the wives out there who must be the opponent (victim) in this game, let me at least clear up the rules and methods of play.

The Object of the Game

The purpose of the game, or the general goal, is to drive the wife out of the room twitching and drooling with frustration. When that happens, he has won and he will set the remote control aside, quite pleased with himself, and contentedly watch whatever is on tv at that moment. If the wife re-enters the room, that signals the start of a new game and his hand will snatch the remote control and start clicking.

The object of the game is to travel the circle of television channels, using the remote control, hitting every channel once and staying on each channel for the barest minimum amount of time.

Scoring Points

Points are scored as follows:

No points for any channel that is landed on for more than three seconds.

Commercials must be clicked away immediately when they are recognized as commercials. In fact, when watching television, a commercial is the universal sign that the game should begin. When he has mastered the game, he should be able to recognize a commercial in a tiny fraction of a second.

Score no points for any completed sentence, phrase or thought that is uttered in the time that a channel is landed on. On the contrary, the only way to gain points in this game is to click away at the very most critical point of such an utterance.

For instance, for the following: "...look at that shot! He nearly took his head off!" Zero points for letting the announcer finish that phrase. Five points for cutting away at "...look at that shot! He nearly took--" Bonus points for being fast enough on the draw to click away at "...look at that--" causing her head to spin around to see what is being looked at just in time to witness his masterful display of clicking ability.

Bonus points for clicking away at crucial points such as "The most important thing President Bush said tonight was--" Or "...wasn’t that hilarious? Let’s see it again--" Or "...just couldn’t believe it when she said--"

One hundred points for finding any sporting event other than football and leaving it on that channel for three solid hours. This is an excellent way to win the game as she probably can’t take more than ten minutes or so of baseball or hockey before leaving the room to find some wet paint and watch it dry.

One hundred points for finding any female nudity and leaving it on that channel until the nudity goes away.

Ten points for finding any male nudity and leaving it on that channel until she has had a brief glimpse, and then quickly click away.

Bonus points can be made for taking the extra care and effort to find out what shows and entertainers are her favorites and clicking away from them automatically whenever he sees them.

Wives, there is no point in fighting back in this game. You will not be allowed to touch the remote control as long as he is in the room. Your only defense is to pretend that it doesn’t bother you and just sit there with a catatonic smile on your face staring at the television images as they flicker by.

Remember, if you crack up...he wins.

The Politics of Motherhood

The abortion debate is not about unborn babies. I bet you knew that, didn’t you? If it were, there would be a similar outcry over every issue involving the lives of babies. Such as lack of healthcare, babies born addicted to drugs, babies killed after being left in hot vehicles, etc. Every year here in Texas someone leaves a kid in a carseat in 100 degree weather and the kid bakes. No public outcry. No organized protest. In fact, the person responsible usually escapes criminal prosecution.

But do you really know what it is about? The pro-life attempt to criminalize abortion is not about saving the lives of unborn babies. If it were about that, you’d see pro-lifers working toward preventing unwanted pregnancies and better adoption rates of unwanted children.

People generally don’t put a lot of time and effort into an issue unless it directly affects them. So..how are pro-lifers directly affected by the abortions of others?

The abortion debate is about women and their role in society. I never understood why pro-lifers are so concerned about what other people do or don’t do with their unwanted pregnancies. If in your mind abortion is murder, then don’t have one. If you’re going to get upset when someone else "murders" their unborn child, then you should be prepared to get just as upset over every other murder that occurs in this country. You hear about murders every day and probably don’t give it much of a thought. Why is it this one particular form of "murder" is so atrocious that it needs to be addressed so passionately?

The answer is because pro-life activists perceive abortion, not as a threat to unborn babies but to their own world view. The typical pro-life woman is a wife and mother who either does not work outside the home after the birth of her child or regards her primary role as homemaker. She considers her role--motherhood--as the most important and proper role for a woman to have. She doesn’t condemn career women for choosing another role, but believes that motherhood should usurp any other role in a woman’s life, whether it was intentional or not.

Feminist advances have made women like this feel degraded and threatened. If women are able to compete for the same kinds of success that men strive for--career, achievement, advancement--then a woman’s "worth" will be measured by the same standards as a man’s. By those standards, a homemaker and devoted mother does not measure up. Abortion reduces the motherhood role to a lesser status, implying that motherhood is not as important as other goals in life.

Similarly, the typical pro-choice activist is a career woman, who may or not be married and may or may not be a mother, but who considers aspects other than motherhood to be her primary role. In the event of an unwanted pregnancy, forcing her to bear the child threatens her marketability in the career market and implies that her goals are not as important as the motherhood role.

This is what the debate is all about: motherhood. Is it the supreme role of women and their major purpose in society or is it just one of many roles a woman can choose? Virtually any woman can become a mother, but other achievements require resources the majority of pro-life women don’t have: education, experience, ambition. No wonder they would seek to devalue those things and insist that the true worth and value of a woman is in her role as a mother. They can not treat abortion as a personal choice because if society allows others to make that choice, their world view and their self-worth are threatened.

Time for a Revolution

First, let me say that I am the world's worst when it comes to following my own advice. I suck. As you read this, keep in mind that I do this crazy shit more than any other woman in the world, and I can tell you from experience--it doesn't work, it never will, every word in this blog is true gospel, golden advice. I wish it were as easy as I've tried to make it sound.

There was quite a buzz about a book by Sex in the City consultants Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. This book, He's Just Not That Into You clears up the mysteries of why men don't call, why men can't commit, why men say one thing and do another.

Turns out, men are far less complicated than we women give them credit for. We analyze and agonize over their mysterious behavior and patiently wait for them to overcome their issues so they can finally make us happy. But in fact, when you find yourself puzzling over a man's behavior, and especially if you are feeling unhappy about it, chances are it's really very simple: he's just not that into you.

As an example, these behaviors are good indicators:

He said he'd call but he hasn't. Guys know how to use the phone. When they are really into a woman, they call her. They love to pursue women, it's what they live for. If they're not pursuing, it's because they're not into it (you).

He flirts and even says he'd like to go out with you but he hasn't asked you out. See above. Guys understand the protocol. They know how to ask a woman out. If he's not doing it, it's because he doesn't want to. Not because he's shy or afraid you'll turn him down or because he's busy or because he has issues.

He goes days (weeks?) without calling or seeing you. If he can do this, he's not into you. When a guy is into a woman, he wants to see her. Very muchly.

He seemed to have a great time on the first date and even said he'd like to see you again, but then he never calls you again. If that first date really did knock his socks off, he'd be picking up the phone and trying to hook up with you again as soon as possible. He didn't lose your number.

He's not dating anyone else and you date regularly, but he doesn't want a "girlfriend" right now. If he was into you, he'd want you to be his girlfriend and he'd want everyone to know it. He'd want you all to himself. If he's saying this, it means you're convenient, but he's not that into you.

He takes you out, has a great time, but never wants to take it to the next level and have sex. Do you think you could keep him from trying to have sex with you if he was into you? I think not. If he doesn't want to bone you, he's just not into you.

And here are some excuses we women make for these behaviors:

He's very busy. He travels. He has a lot going on in his life. No amount of busy-ness would keep him from calling/seeing you if he wanted to. Most hotels these days have telephones right there in the room and if he's into you, he will use one to call you because he will want to make sure that he is on your mind as much as you are on his.

He's afraid of intimacy or commitment. Just got out of a bad divorce or break-up. Not ready for anything heavy yet. Just not ready for anything heavy with you, and never will be. If he's into you, no amount of fear will keep him away.

He doesn't want to ruin our friendship with a heavy romance. If he's into you, he would care a lot more about having you than about possibly losing your friendship. This is a guy we're talking about. Do you really think friendship would be more important to him than having hot monkey sex with the woman he's into?

The list of behaviors and excuses are so common, if you've been dating you've either used them or made them yourself.

Men are doing this stuff so much, we consider it normal!

Why is that? Where did they get the idea that rudeness is acceptable in a dating relationship? We taught them, of course!

Since men like to date younger women, the older a woman gets, the less likely she is to meet that elligible man who will treat her like a queen. And the competition among women out there is fiersome indeed. It's no wonder we settle for less than we deserve and make excuses for their bad behavior, when the only alternative seems to be resigning ourselves to a lifetime of sleeping alone and dinners for one. Who could blame us for cutting men some slack and praying we really are important to them even when they're making it clear that we are not?

But ladies, we have to stop it. No foolin. Not only are we collectively damaging our self-esteem by tolerating less love and respect than we deserve but we're creating a nation of lazy, insensitive, inconsiderate bastards who never learn what it means to cherish and value a woman, or even to respect her or consider her feelings.

How do we fix this? Well we stop letting them off the hook. No excuses. Make it clear, you expect him to treat you like a man treats a woman when he's really into her. Until such time that he discovers that he's not. And then he's free to go, provided he doesn't just disappear over the horizon without a word of explanation. That's just rude. If he's rude to you--not calling when he says he will, breaking dates, expecting you to give him sex with no commitment--then hit the delete button and do not take his calls. Even if you saw him treat someone else this way and then he comes sniffing around wanting to spark up with you, tell him you don't like his dating etiquette and do not take his calls. Even if he's cute. Even if he's really nice sometimes and you just "know" that deep down inside he's really into you but just doesn't realize it yet or is too busy or afraid to express it.

If this happens to enough men enough times, they will change. Recall a time, not long ago, when casual sex was not as easy to get as it is today. Didn't men behave more honorably toward women in the dating world? As long as men can get what they want from women without putting forth the effort to behave, no effort is exactly what we'll get.

This doesn't mean we have to be inflexible, ungracious bitches with bad attitudes. Certainly there are times when a man can't call or when a date has to be broken. But be honest with yourself. You can tell the difference between a man who truly regrets his inability to see or speak to you and one who actually doesn't give a shit. Start insisting that they either give a shit or mosey on down the road.

I find myself Gracie-tagged

And I am happy to oblige. Ten random "me" things you may not have known (and probably don't care).

 

1) I was conceived at a frat party at Oklahoma State University. Father unknown, teenaged hippy mother ran away to Haight Ashbury to smoke pot in the streets and sing cool Bob Dylan songs. At the time of my birth, she was tripping on acid. I don't believe it has had any effect on me, though. (shut up!)

2) I was subsequently adopted by her parents, my grandparents, making them my parents and her my sister. So all my nephews and neices are really my cousins and my brothers and sisters are really my uncles and aunts. Except my little brother Adam, he is my biological half brother, except by adoption he's my nephew because his mom, who is my real mom, is my sister now.

3) I never place my purse on the floor. I cringe when I see others do it. This is my only true superstition, and it began one Thanksgiving when I visited my sister Alice down in Baton Rouge. She married a coon-ass, whose family are bona-fide French-speaking Cajuns. They gotta lotta Creole voodoo beliefs and such down there, yeah, and my brother-in-law's grandma noticed me setting my purse down on the floor. "Don't put your purse on the floor, no child. You lose your money." Well we all laughed and I ignored her. One week later, I left my purse hanging on the chair in a restaurant and when I returned for it, it was $70 lighter. Now, coincidence maybe, but it got my attention. I had never had anything ever before in my life stolen from me, never lost so much money all at once before in my life. Regardless of whether I believe in it or not, this superstition has a hold of me and I cannot bring myself to put my purse on the floor. You do it if you want, but you've been warned. Now that you know about it, it'll get a hold of you too. Count your money.

4) Two out of three of my sons are color blind. They have different dads so I must be the carrier of the defective gene that causes color blindness. (The reason color blindness is almost exclusively a male defect is because it lives on the X chromosome. A male type person only has to have one color blind gene on his X chromosome while a female type person must inherit the color blind gene on BOTH of her X chromosomes in order to exhibit the trait. If she has only one color blind X chromosome, then she's a carrier (like me) and can pass it on to her children.)

5) I used to play the clarinet in marching band until I fell out of a carnival ride at the fair and broke my leg.

6) This was my first love:

I still think he's very hot, though he's all grown up now. My god, he has grown up. I guess that means I have too.

7) I've never had sex in public (can you believe that?? I can't. As progressive and uninhibited as I am, one would be surprised at this, no?)

8) I made out with a rock star once (not gonna tell you which one). He was not that good of a kisser actually. I also briefly dated a professional wrestler.

9) I've owned two motorcycles, a Ninja and a Harley. Two very different rides, but I loved them both.

10) I don't do well emotionally when it's cloudy or rainy for more than three days in a row. Almost to the point after a week of it that I can't function and definitely my mood makes me unfit for human company. I think this is probably pretty common; I only mention it because I've never heard anybody describe it the way I actually feel it. After too many cloudy days, I begin to feel…stepped on. Squashed. Suffocated. With an underlying sense of panic and a desire to flee (flee what, I don't know). I have a tendency toward impulse spending all the time, but during these panicky, stepped on, jesus-help-me-I-need-sunshine periods, I'm a lot worse—I spend money trying to escape (flee) and feel better. The thing is, it actually works.