Time for a Revolution

First, let me say that I am the world's worst when it comes to following my own advice. I suck. As you read this, keep in mind that I do this crazy shit more than any other woman in the world, and I can tell you from experience--it doesn't work, it never will, every word in this blog is true gospel, golden advice. I wish it were as easy as I've tried to make it sound.

There was quite a buzz about a book by Sex in the City consultants Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. This book, He's Just Not That Into You clears up the mysteries of why men don't call, why men can't commit, why men say one thing and do another.

Turns out, men are far less complicated than we women give them credit for. We analyze and agonize over their mysterious behavior and patiently wait for them to overcome their issues so they can finally make us happy. But in fact, when you find yourself puzzling over a man's behavior, and especially if you are feeling unhappy about it, chances are it's really very simple: he's just not that into you.

As an example, these behaviors are good indicators:

He said he'd call but he hasn't. Guys know how to use the phone. When they are really into a woman, they call her. They love to pursue women, it's what they live for. If they're not pursuing, it's because they're not into it (you).

He flirts and even says he'd like to go out with you but he hasn't asked you out. See above. Guys understand the protocol. They know how to ask a woman out. If he's not doing it, it's because he doesn't want to. Not because he's shy or afraid you'll turn him down or because he's busy or because he has issues.

He goes days (weeks?) without calling or seeing you. If he can do this, he's not into you. When a guy is into a woman, he wants to see her. Very muchly.

He seemed to have a great time on the first date and even said he'd like to see you again, but then he never calls you again. If that first date really did knock his socks off, he'd be picking up the phone and trying to hook up with you again as soon as possible. He didn't lose your number.

He's not dating anyone else and you date regularly, but he doesn't want a "girlfriend" right now. If he was into you, he'd want you to be his girlfriend and he'd want everyone to know it. He'd want you all to himself. If he's saying this, it means you're convenient, but he's not that into you.

He takes you out, has a great time, but never wants to take it to the next level and have sex. Do you think you could keep him from trying to have sex with you if he was into you? I think not. If he doesn't want to bone you, he's just not into you.

And here are some excuses we women make for these behaviors:

He's very busy. He travels. He has a lot going on in his life. No amount of busy-ness would keep him from calling/seeing you if he wanted to. Most hotels these days have telephones right there in the room and if he's into you, he will use one to call you because he will want to make sure that he is on your mind as much as you are on his.

He's afraid of intimacy or commitment. Just got out of a bad divorce or break-up. Not ready for anything heavy yet. Just not ready for anything heavy with you, and never will be. If he's into you, no amount of fear will keep him away.

He doesn't want to ruin our friendship with a heavy romance. If he's into you, he would care a lot more about having you than about possibly losing your friendship. This is a guy we're talking about. Do you really think friendship would be more important to him than having hot monkey sex with the woman he's into?

The list of behaviors and excuses are so common, if you've been dating you've either used them or made them yourself.

Men are doing this stuff so much, we consider it normal!

Why is that? Where did they get the idea that rudeness is acceptable in a dating relationship? We taught them, of course!

Since men like to date younger women, the older a woman gets, the less likely she is to meet that elligible man who will treat her like a queen. And the competition among women out there is fiersome indeed. It's no wonder we settle for less than we deserve and make excuses for their bad behavior, when the only alternative seems to be resigning ourselves to a lifetime of sleeping alone and dinners for one. Who could blame us for cutting men some slack and praying we really are important to them even when they're making it clear that we are not?

But ladies, we have to stop it. No foolin. Not only are we collectively damaging our self-esteem by tolerating less love and respect than we deserve but we're creating a nation of lazy, insensitive, inconsiderate bastards who never learn what it means to cherish and value a woman, or even to respect her or consider her feelings.

How do we fix this? Well we stop letting them off the hook. No excuses. Make it clear, you expect him to treat you like a man treats a woman when he's really into her. Until such time that he discovers that he's not. And then he's free to go, provided he doesn't just disappear over the horizon without a word of explanation. That's just rude. If he's rude to you--not calling when he says he will, breaking dates, expecting you to give him sex with no commitment--then hit the delete button and do not take his calls. Even if you saw him treat someone else this way and then he comes sniffing around wanting to spark up with you, tell him you don't like his dating etiquette and do not take his calls. Even if he's cute. Even if he's really nice sometimes and you just "know" that deep down inside he's really into you but just doesn't realize it yet or is too busy or afraid to express it.

If this happens to enough men enough times, they will change. Recall a time, not long ago, when casual sex was not as easy to get as it is today. Didn't men behave more honorably toward women in the dating world? As long as men can get what they want from women without putting forth the effort to behave, no effort is exactly what we'll get.

This doesn't mean we have to be inflexible, ungracious bitches with bad attitudes. Certainly there are times when a man can't call or when a date has to be broken. But be honest with yourself. You can tell the difference between a man who truly regrets his inability to see or speak to you and one who actually doesn't give a shit. Start insisting that they either give a shit or mosey on down the road.