Living well is the best revenge

Living life as art requires a readiness to forgive. I do not mean that you should suffer fools gladly, but rather remember your own shortcomings, and when you encounter another with flaws, don't be eager to righteously seal yourself away from the offender forever. Take a few breaths and imagine yourself having just committed the action which has set you at odds. --Maya Angelou

Is there some special person who has earned your wrath? God forbid, is there more than one? This person has done something so horrible, so unthinkably wrong, that you could never bring yourself to forgive. Am I right?

But what if you did?

Imagine it for a moment, what if everyone somehow found a way to forgive their most heinous offendors. How many brutal, hostile divorces would suddenly become more bearable for everyone involved? How many self-destructive behaviors would be stopped in their tracks, replaced by growth and deeper insight into the workings of our own species? How many opportunities would suddenly present themselves where before there was only a brick wall?

"Ah, that's very well for others," you say. "But you don't understand. What he did (she did, they did, I did, etc.). It was horrible and simply unforgivable."

Is it? Who decides what's forgivable or not? You, of course, since you are the one who will not forgive. What do you gain by not forgiving? Does it feel good? Does it right the wrong done to you? Probably not. Most likely you imagine that refusing to forgive makes you safer from being hurt again in that way or by that same person. But forgiveness need not make you vulnerable.

Forgiveness often seems both undesirable and impossible. It's undesirable because we imagine ourselves weaker when we forgive. Foolish. We imagine that forgiving means accepting the behavior or giving permission for it to happen again. In reality, it means neither.
Impossible because we imagine forgiveness to be a simple, painless and gracious decision. We imagine a moment of forgiveness, when in reality, forgiveness is a process. Sometimes it takes a lifetime. It's more accurate sometimes to think of forgiving as a percentage instead of a one-step decision. We can say "I am about 40% forgiving now." and keep working toward a goal in the upper 90's if we truly think that 100% forgiveness is impossible.

We also tend to think of forgiveness as something we give to another person, like a gift, the key idea being whether they "deserve" to be forgiven or not. To give this person that which they have not earned--well, it just doesn't seem right. But you don't have to give your forgiveness away, you keep it for yourself. It can be a secret if you want. The evil person need never even know he's been forgiven. But do let it change your perceptions and your attitudes. Let it improve your own behavior and you'll be surprised at how much better it feels.

I challenge you to post a comment right now and tell me the most horrible thing someone has ever done to you. Or list several. And then tell me why you cannot or should not forgive. Whatever the reason, it will be a shortcoming in your character that prevents you from doing so and not a measure of the pain and suffering caused by the other person's behavior.

I am approximately 50% forgiving of the most horrible thing that was ever done to me. And trust me, it was bad. At some point I realized it was hurting me more to carry the grudge and seethe in righteous indignation than if I simply stop doing that and pretend that this person is no more significant to me than any other stranger on the street. I'm not quite there yet, but my goal is to feel nothing toward this person.

I really don't care whether this person deserves to be forgiven. I do this for me. Because I want to be happy. Not angry, or righteous, or vindicated, or justified, or bitter. Just happy, which I can't have without peace, which I can't have without forgiving.